19:45

Hello there. This isn’t James, I’m afraid. It’s Tom Townshend. Hello. I’ve been asked to blog about this year’s Brits, live, as it happens, er, on the telly.

Think of this as a kind of improvised DVD commentary or a new version of Twitter where the word limit has been removed and Stephen Fry has been banned from telling us what he has for breakfast.

Anyway, how’s everyone feeling about the Brits this year? I know it’s the done thing to be cynical but I genuinely think it might actually be good this year. The hosts, Gavin and Smithy are genuinely funny and lovely people (i.e. we met one of them once and he didn’t spit at us). Kylie is officially the queen of all our hearts, what’s not to like there? And most of the live acts aren’t rubbish.

So providing Fearne Cotton doesn’t say too many annoying things in her links and we can find something edible in our cupboard to have for tea, we could be talking a classic year.

I’ve also asked someone I know who is literally at the ceremony to text me their gossip and celebrity sightings. Of course, they might forget in which case we’ll have to make it up.

Let’s go…. Brits 2009! Come on! Woo! etc

20:00

It’s U2. They’re quite literally a very successful band. Overlooking the fact that this is a lousy song and the worst on the new album, it’s quite exciting they’re here really isn’t it? Or there, at least. It makes the Brits feel important again.

Nice of them to put the words up on the screen so everyone can sing along.

You really wouldn’t be surprised to get to Hell and find that the Bono was the devil, would you? He’s really quite scary.

Would’ve liked some lasers in that performance to be honest.

20:07

Kylie and the boys doing Can’t Get You Out Of My Head. Hmm. A bit flat. Why does the set look like the kind of thing they have for T4 on the Beach? It’s all a bit cheap. We hope this isn’t a credit crunch Brits.

20:06 James Corden makes a joke about The Ting Tings. Is it going to be that sort of evening?

20:10

Duffy 1, Beth Rowley 0. Who’d have guessed that.

Duffy’s lost her Welsh accent! And seemed deeply unsurprised and unimpressed by that. Let’s not give her any more. (That’s not gonna happen, is it?)

20:14

‘Controversial’ Katy Perry’s just been censored already. What did she say? Can anyone here lip read? Was it “farts”?

Girls Aloud. Hurrah! Now that is what we call a stage set. Are they nude behind those feathers? No. 🙁

This is how U2 should’ve done it. Look and learn, The Edge.

Nicola Roberts – a goddess among women. We wish she was our Facebook friend.

20:20

20:22

Congratulations to Lulu for being the first commenter on this very special Brits 2009 blog. She wins a prize. Possibly. We’ll look into it.

Genuine Backstage Gossip

Alexa Chung has a nice sparkly dress on but, our spy says, “could use a pie”. Katherine Jenkins has a nice white dress on but has teemed it with a pink clutch and heels, described by our source as “mad”.

You heard it here first!

20:27

Aw, the lovely Alex James has actually come dressed as a farmer. Please let the Blur reunion be amazing.

Oh for goodness sake. Maybe Duffy can look more pleased this time…

Nope, looks like she’s just popping out to post a letter. We liked her much more back when she was excitable and Welsh.

We’ve had a complaint!

new, life,new days, new shame has complained I haven’t been telling you all who won what. Sorry.

Best Female – Duffy

Best Female from somewhere that isn’t Wales – Katy Perry

Best Breakthrough Act (?) – Duffy

20:34

Do we agree that Coldplay just totally out-U2-ed U2? Rather lovely performance and a nice colour. Very Autumn. Very good.

No Name says Chris Martin sang the wrong words? Did he? Excellent.

Genuine Backstage Gossip

Little Boots (she’s new) looks “amazing”. Alexander McQueen (he’s from fashion, we think) “dripping in diamonds”.

Actually, does anyone have any particular backstage-based questions we can ask our source? Let’s make this very web 2.0 and interactive (disclaimer: experiment may fail dismally)

International Group Award time. Come on Vengaboys!

20:13

It goes to Kings of Leon. Hooray. We like Kings of Leon, not because of their excellent brand of rock and/or roll but because when we went to interview them last year, they arrived on individual Segways. Brilliant!

20:46

Jamie Oliver came dressed as Paul Weller. Bless.

Best British Male – Paul Weller

He’s not there, he’s in a cafe giggling with the lovely Adele. Lucky old Weller.

Does anyone know what song Duffy is singing? *sarcasm* We don’t think we’ve heard it before. It can’t have got much radio play *sarcasm*

20:50

Maybe it’s just us but Duffy’s stage stage set looked very ‘Morecambe & Wise’. If only she’d walked off doing the Bring Me Sunshine dance.

20:52

20:53

Michelle O’Brien wrote:

“MAIDEN FOR BEST LIVE ACT :P”

Can we all promise to do ‘rock hands’ if this comes true. No one will see us doing them, but we’ll know. It’ll be a special moment. If only for Michelle.

20:58

Starting to regret saying that Gavin and Smithy were funny. It’s all a bit Cannon & Ball at the moment.

Kings of Leon shouldn’t have sat down. They’ve won Best International Album. I was kind of hoping for AC/DC. Did you know that was the second biggest selling album in the world last year? I didn’t till yesterday. But now I do. Hooray for facts.

OH SERIOUSLY AMAZING START TO THE TAKE THAT PERFORMANCE

I think they might be on an actual spaceship. Like, a real one.

50s sci-fi scientist is going to be the look for Spring now.

What an amazing song.

What an amazing band.

We feel like we need a bit of a cry.

21:07

Lovely Nick Frost gave me the first Brits lol moment. Not sure it went down too well with the crowd though. They’re probably all drunk by now. They’ve been at it since 5.

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Iron Maiden won Best Live Band!

Did you all do the hands?

Can we just say we agree with everything Joel Richards said, ten minutes ago. Thanks.

21:10

Good to have the sober, modest presence of the Hoff. 🙁

21:12

Elbow have repeated their Mercury win and got Best British Group. That’s nice. But they don’t look as surprised and thrilled as they did then, do they?

Would it be a terrible thing to suggest that maybe these artists had an inkling they’d won, in advance? No, that’s a terrible thing to think. They definitely didn’t.

Eliott Fellinger – We’re sorry to report that our source hasn’t been heard of since I set them your first challenges. We hope they’ve not been ‘dealt with’.

21:17

We’re taking this opportunity to cook some tea. Do let us know how the Kings were. We’re in the kitchen and can’t see the telly.

21:24

Literally no one laughed at Matthew Horne’s Craig David joke. 🙁

21:25

Critics Award winner Florence just did a swear. She’s crazy that one.

21:28

Kanye clearly on his way to a Pee Wee Herman-themed fancy dress party. What is he going on about? First awkwardly crowbarred Obama reference of the night. Congratulations.

He’s Best International Male, by the way.

The Ting Tings and Estelle are playing two different songs at once. What a novel and original idea. I bet Kylie will now steal that idea, travel back in time and try the same trick in 2002.

21:30

Who wants to see my dinner? Well here it is anyway.

It’s egg fried rice with some vegetables on the top. Some might consider that a fail, but anyone who was here for the Eurovision blog might agree it’s a step up from that night’s dinner. And notice the glass of famous brand cola next to it. Classy.

Unfortunately I forgot to get pudding.

21:35

The people have spoken!

Girls Aloud win Best Single

Finally some genuine gratitude. Look at Nicola’s smiley little face. Uh Oh, Sarah’s off.

21:38

It’s the all-new white-haired Tom Jones. Grecian 2000 sales have plummeted. This is what Father Christmas looks like on his Summer holiday.

Duffy gets Best Album. Woo.

She’s got all emotional now. But by this time of the night, most of the crowd are ‘emotional’. If you know what I mean.

To be fair, Fearne’s been quite restrained this evening. We just wanted to use our last graphic before the end of the show. Sorry.

21:47

Those hawks Brandon Flowers trained to sit on his shoulder have fallen asleep. It’s quite a late night for hawks.

“Naturally eccentric” voice? Is that like saying, “don’t worry dear, you’ve got a nice personality”?

Wow. Any idea how much the Pet Shop Boys performance must’ve cost? We reckon it’s between a lot and bloody loads.

Close up of Louis Walsh – thanks cameraman. Louis is bound to be a big Pet Shop Boys fan.

Neil Tennant’s “naturally eccentric” voice was in evidence at the end of Suburbia.

It’s a medley! Everyone loves a medley.

Neil definitely got the better deal from the costume box. Chris is wearing one of Britney’s old wigs.

Remember when they did Go West with lots of miners singing? That was good.

Crikey, it’s Lady GaGa. We are literally a bit terrified. Oh, she’s gone. That was weird.

Here’s Brandon and his sleepy hawks. Or maybe they’re kestrels. Like in that film.

The new album material is sounding really strong up against the old stuff, don’t you think? Well done the Pet Shop Men.

West End Girls – you can hear the Brits liggers going completely nuts.

GaGa is back. She is totally frightening. And wearing a Wedgewood pot on her head.  She is literally the future of pop, ladies and gentlemen.

21:59

And that’s it.

Apart from Duffy’s famous brand cola advert. Sad face x one million.

Well, maybe it wasn’t quite the classic Brits we were anticipating.

The set was utterly terrible. We can’t remember a single thing Kylie said (but her skin looked nice). James and Matthew were a disappointment. As were U2 who, by comparison to everyone else, phoned it in.

But, BUT, BUT!

Everyone else was pretty darn amazing. Well done everyone else. You all deserve your Brits (though perhaps not three of them).

Thank you to all of you who commented and kept me company. I’m off to try and find out what happened to my backstage ‘source’. Let’s hope she’s not been Hoffed.

Goodnight. x